19/07/2007 - Help!

Well it didn’t take long for this to happen, WTF indeed!. Less than an hour after moving from the highly respectable I.T. department my former colleague came over to ask me for help NM #LA# . He was having problems setting up a dual monitor system on his pc FFS he told me that he had tried everything, new drivers and reinstalling the operating system - FM FFS that is not everything you SSOS . Anyway he begged and pleased with me to go and help him, which I would do with out any problems, but after leaving the department so soon I wanted him to retain some knowledge !!!! and try and fix the problem himself!, so I took 30 seconds out (that all it took for me to sort the problem out) from fixing a server with a dns registration issue and went over to see WTF was going on.
He showed me his 2 monitors and the problem, not being able to get anything, windows, begging emails, myspace messages, Adult Friend Finders messages or anything that banned or illegal, on to the second monitor even though it was part of the desktop. So I took hold of the mouse and move it right instead of left and hey presto it moved onto the second desktop. I wish I had a camera on me coz the look on his face said it all - yep `no wonder I no longer work in I.T.` YM WTF !!

01/02/2007 - You again, must be time to go home

Well its has been a few months since i heard/experienced a WTF worthy of being put on here and again it happens to be me involved FFS
While out in the big smoke on an extensively long job, i got into a routine of visiting the litte boys room!, was normally 10 mins before i was about to embark on my mammoth trip home every night. So i got into the routine of going in there at that time and started to meet the MD of the company i was working for. Now normal etiquette is not to talk to anyone while your in the toilet, as its a somewhat gay thing to do!!!! But this guy insisted on talking to me WTF SJ I only answered his question and then started locking myself in a shitter so that i wouldnt have to do it any more. But on this occasion i was sat there nodding off when someone came in and while doing their business decided the let out the tightest fart i have ever heard! FM i knew who that was! NM So i waited for a bit but had to go as transport dosnt wait, went out washed my hands - Big Mistake!
`You again` he said
`err yeah` i said
`how comes your always in here at this time, like clock work?` he rants
`well` i said `for one its better for me to take a dump on your time, coz in effect your paying me to do it, which i find amusing, secondly i waste some time and my PPH goes up a bit and thirdly i get to use your bog roll and save mine at home and lastly i like to annoy the fuck out of you and get you thinking that people are out to stiff you`
`Why you` he started saying
`dont you know its a homosexual thing to talk while in the toilets?` i told him as i walked out never to go back again...
CSFB GFY HAMI

25/09/2006 - PC Doctor to the rescue - WTF is this....

While out on a highly confidential job one evening, I was asked by the `employer` to help with her corporate computer. It had suffered some damage to the hard disk structure and he had lost all her documents and work that she hadnt backed up.
She pleaded and begged with me YM YM to help her recover her work.
So I set to work but sadly the disk was `Full of unrecoverable errors` AKA Wankered! I did how ever manage to recover just one part of her document that she was working on, hacking the swap file and re creating it from randomly scattered chunks for data through out its entire structure. By the looks of it, it was an internal memo headed for the CEOs. It wasn’t much bit she was well happy.
I couldnt believe what I was reading when I see it!!
`Due to extensive and completely un-fucking-needed internal facing and externally viewable reorganisation, internal departments have been restructured to enhance internal requests and queries from external sources. External requests are now being accepted by internal sources and if the work load is too great they will be off loaded to external sources. In effect creating an infinite loop of requests that end up back with the requester time and time again. We are confident that our CEO team will catch these infinite loops as an un required work load and re distribute these to someone else other than themselves, so in effect decreasing their work load and increasing the work load of others while increasing their targets for raised bonuses due to the amount of work handled and decreasing the level of bonus that the internal and external sources receive due to returned queries that they need to look at again.
Put simply, the workers get fucked left right and centre while we sit on our arse and get paid to do fuck all`
Sounds about right, am I glad that I don’t work for a company like that NM NM GFY TAB

10/09/2006 - I need to do more of what Doc?

Due to various health problems (follicle disappearance and severe dribbling outbreaks to name but a few) and good colleague or mine went to the doctors to get him self a once over - personally I would of gone to some prostitute or such like, but hey not everyones like me!. After several hours or poking, prodding and reaming he was told by the doctor that half (ok all of his problems) were due to the fact that he dosnt have enough sex!
Im with you there man! NM
Being the stumbling block that has caused him problems for the past few years the doctor told him not to worry, but instead that he should bash the bishop, choke the chicken, play with the python or format his floppy so that not only will he feel better but it will help the natural release for hormones and shit and put his body back into the shape that it used to be. Now unfortunately being a online gaming geek he still lives at home with mum and dad so no doubt that at some point hes gonna have to tell them what the doctor said. Let hope that they don’t have lamb for dinner anytime soon! WTF NM NM

18/08/2006 - WTF – Max’s trainee graduates YM

While at the Ogre’s wedding the other day, I stumbled across Ezgeez (aka PID aka CUNT). We got chatting and he called his Bird over! OMG FOBV how the hell did my former short, tubby, bald and now camp sounding ( WTF is that all about???) trainee manage to pull some tall, skinny hot bird closely resembling the Kebab Bird (ahhh the kebab Bird – I wonder if Hammond ever saved up enough money to book into a posh hotel for the night and get the shag of a life time!)
Anyway, it appears that Ezgeez owes all his success to me, as while at the wedding table he was telling Smokey about how I corrupted him YM YM after introducing him to a couple of Chinese shit munchers and other fucked up stuff. Smokey, while talking to Ezgeez was hearing the similarities of my ways and whatfores to that of his. I tell you I should of got Ezgeez a few medals for all the hard effort he put in to perfect himself. YM
Oh and just to clear up any confusion, im not camp sounding / camp in any way – that will be Matraco GFY HAMI

15/05/2006 - Frank! Where the fuck is my G and T

Its been a while again, but my WTF is back with a corker.
While on the family holiday we were out for the evening. Pat Butcher, AKA Blue Rinse and newly found Uncle Jessie! Was getting way to familiar with the keg of sangria and was starting to feel a bit face numb, FM who am I kidding, it only takes a mouth full for that to happen! Anyway, down goes the old sangria, followed by loads of ‘OI shut your fukin raaa’ shouted at disapproving by passers. We managed to get her up and walked her about for a bit to sober her up, but just as we were walking past the last bar she stopped and shouted `Frank, wheres the fuck is my Gin and fucking Tonic` with that Frank, AKA Blakey, sat her down on a chair and walked off with us. Pat was last seen, or heard, giving the waiter some right grief YM YM

10/04/2006 - im pissd, wna cum n shag me in a nite club

Well FM Its has been months since i have heard of anything that is deserved of a Snowey WTF , but trust me does this deserve it. Imagine the scene, its late one Saturday evening, your sat at home doing fuck all apart from pleasing yourself after a hard game of Geeks Galore Roll Playing when you get a txt. You read the txt only to see that is from someone that you wanna bone big time YM GIT FOBV . The txt asks you if you want to join her out of the town but also tells you that she is pissed aswell YM SO after a quick call to see how pissed, as it would be way too naughty to take advantage of someone who is pissed you are told that a few of her mates are there aswell, and they are up for a bit of a girlie night YM YM YM Isnt that whats knows a some GG? Anyway thinking long and hard! about it, you decide to turn the offer down - and for what reason
1) Your too old for her! - No shes nice and young
2) You dont know any of her friends - Well you get in there and you will remember them by taste
3) You dont know where they are as you dont know the area - Fuck that, get some money out the bank and get a taxi, then put the rest of the money in their g's and enjoy the night
FM WTF I cant believe someone would turn that chance down, you need your god damn fucking head looked at. Ill say it again, and this time ill shout it WTF

05/08/2005 - Fuck off, Shes Mine!!!

What a sad WTF this is! While talking to an acquaintance about tight tops and sexy arses on women YM GIT FOBV , we got on to the subject of one of the females that he had a thing for LIGAS . I was describing how she could be stripped YM and just left in her small, but highly loaded, black undies OMG and then given a good seeing to over various items of house hold furniture YM SMOJ . While I was doing this he was looking at me rather strange, wasn’t sure if my graphic description of what I was going to do to her was too much for him or not, when he stood up and shouted “Fuck off, shes mine!” WTF Maybe in your mind you SSOS

01/07/2005 - FM what the fuck is this masturbator??

Well a classic WTF for you here. I get a call one night, yes you guessed it from the Silver Fox, saying that he has just had a receipt emailed to him from his paypal account for $1500 for a super deluxe multi speed, multi racial masturbator WTF FOBV GTFO . After I had finished pissing myself and picked the phone back up, I told him login to his account and make sure that the funds had been transferred other wise his newly purchased toy would not arrive YM NM YM NM 3 hours later, he remembers his email address to login, then 2.5 hours after that he remembers his password, then I have to tell him what we were doing as the daft old fuck had forgotten. Poor old Blakey was worried to death that all his credit had been used up as he was saving it for his trip to Lanzo.. WTF

12/05/2005 - You fix computers and i suck cock!!!!

WTF is going on here? The geek came walking up to me today, with a packet of crisps, not the normal free vend ones, and started advertising the fact that they were some rather dodgy cheese flavour. Remembering a conversation that I once had with DMTH , I said to him `you mean old tramp helmet cheese`. We then went into detail, not that much detail I hasten to add TF NM , about the cheesy crisps for a good few minutes and then left the subject alone. He then said to me, from no where - `You fix computers and I suck cock` WTF OMG GTFO WAK . Fuck knows why he told me this, and after trying to cover his arse he said `What I meant to say was, at the weekends you fix computers and I spend my time on my knees at the docks` WTF like that makes is any better GD CS